I only want one thing for Christmas. It doesn't cost a thing. But I don't know what I would do if I ever really got it...

I feel like I'm the best person I've ever been yet I feel like the worst. How does that even make sense? 

I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole. Not knowing whether the real world or Wonderland is where I belong. 

#feelingsometypeofway

Here's to something I said would be nothing...

I don't like who I am. 

I want to but I don't. 

I don't like my body. 

I don't like that I feel like I don't have a future. 

I don't like that I feel like I have to settle. 

I deserve better. 

When you feel like damaged goods it's hard to feel differently. When people treat you like damaged goods then there's no hope. 

HOME

I feel like the "it" I'm in right now is a lot like a firework. Hot, exciting, and beautiful. But ultimately ends in disaster and dwindles down to absolutely nothing but ash. 

Giants

Loneliness/depression is a greater giant than Goliath and I can't find my stones. 

Depression.

That feeling creeps up like a sneeze or a hiccup. You'll just be going throughout your day and BAM! there it is. Throwing you off your game. How do you escape that? Hope seems to wither. The dark cloud covers me like a blanket. One that is damp and heavy but oddly enough I find comfort in it. Because it is the only feeling that I've always known. It's always been there. Waiting and watching. Ready to pounce at any chance. I've said and told and pleaded that I'm not alright. But no one believes it. No one thinks it could be real. But it's the real-est thing I know. 

Has anyone ever felt a deep, dark hole in your chest. One that feels like it is continuously sinking. I hear that's what you call a heart. 

I just need someone, anyone to notice. To care. Anyone. 

Crushed

My spirit has been crushed and I don't even know where to start putting it back together. 

Breathe

It's getting harder for me to breathe. Every morning I wake up and the air feels heavier. I know it's not fair to ask but I just wish someone else could do it for me. 

Sylvia Plath and I

I relate a lot to Sylvia Plath. I feel like her words are the cries of my heart. However, I hope I hope that these cries don't lead to my head in an oven. 

S. P. cont.

When People Ask:

"How are you?" I say: "I'm doing well, thank you." 

How I really feel: I feel like I'm dying on the inside. I'm just waiting for the outside to catch up. 

That Scary Word

Seems like everyone is having...SEX. yup. I said it. And yup, it's happening. Now I know this is a common thing that people say in high school but that's nothing compared to your early to mid 20s. No body is really having sex in high school. But now it seems like for real everyone is. And everyone is ok with it. 

However, I'm not. And I don't want to have sex. And I feel really alone in that...

Altruism

I really hate that most thoughts I have about God end with me being drenched in guilt. 

Why is it so important to associate God with guilt?

Did God die on the cross just to hold it over our heads forever? "Hey you should love Me. Look what I did for you?" Or did He die because he knew it was the only thing that could save us. He did it with no thought of what He would get in return. 

Fear of Falling

Right now I'm afraid of falling. Falling for a hopeless. What's a hopeless? Well I'm not saying that the person is hopeless. I believe he has all the potential in the world. I just am afraid he's lost all hope. In people, the world, himself. And he doesn't want to change. What does that mean for me? One who is in desperate need of hope. 

Hard

Being a Christian and dating is hard. Sometimes just being a Christian is hard. While I know I believe with my full heart, it's hard bringing that into my personal life. This is because every thought and thing I do I feel guilty for. I need help. I need guidance. I need something because the person I thought I was is slipping quickly through my fingers. 

Big Brother

And no I don't mean the government. I mean when my close gal pals start dating these guys who are douche bags. Sometimes I'm like, "Yeah, they're like my big brother." Because they usually treat me awful and it's the only way I can deal. Some I say that to because I feel like I'm losing my gal pal and it's my attempt to keep everyone close. Ugh, brother. 

Wasted

My life has been nothing but wasted opportunities. I hate the fact that God had a bigger plan and I effed it all up...

Love is in the Air

I've worked about 5 weddings now if not more and I just think about how wonderful it would be to fall and be in love again.