So I've written an apology on a blog before but it was directed to one person. I finished this book the other day and it made me start to think of all the people that I want to say I'm sorry too. All the people I've wronged or let down and all the ones that I want to ask for forgiveness.
I believe that sorry has lost it's meaning over the past few years or at least it has with me. People say they are sorry when they flub up but never really seek forgiveness. They are willing to put a band-aid on someone's wound they've cause but not really one to follow up and make sure it's healed so right now I'm going to ask for forgiveness and see if the people will allow me to follow up to make sure that it's better. (P.s. No names will be mentioned just situations and hopefully people can figure it out for themselves.)
First off I want to apologize to the main person that I ask forgiveness from everyday. I fail You in so many ways every single day. Even when I set my mind to become better I still fail. I want to make You proud but I'm a worthless, dirty rag. I want to do everything in my power to allow Your love to shine through me but still I know some of my cracks just show me how empty I really am. Only You can fix them and I know I don't deserve Your love but I'm so thankful that You are long suffering and You forgive me when I'm unforgivable, love me when I'm unlovable and take me back when I'm despicable. I love You.
Next to the two people that have been there from the beginning. You've shown me nothing but love every moment of my life. I never deserved two people like you in my life. You've given me your all and most of the time I took it for granted. You trust me when maybe sometimes you shouldn't have. I've lied and I hate myself everyday for that. I made you disappointed in me. The phrase I hope never to hear for you both ever again in my life. I only pray to be half the person you two are and I want to live up to be the person you've raised me to be. I love you both so much.
To the one I gave so much of my life to. I gave you 3 years of my life but I wasn't who I should have been. I'm sorry in giving up on you. I'm sorry for not saving you. I'm sorry for not being there for you when you needed me the most. Now you have a new life that I will never be a part of, but for someone that I spent a chunk of my life with I'm sorry for not being there more. I thought it would be hard if I tried to be there for you with you out on the coast, but I should have encouraged you. I should have kept contact, so that you wouldn't be settling with this mediocre life that you have now. I've always cared about people when they're alone but I'm sorry for not doing that for you. I'm just sorry for not being the person I am now when you needed me then. I love you.
Next to the Fab 5 I could have had a bigger impact on. We grew up together. Kindergarten all the way to our Senior year. We promised to be Best Friends Forever but that fell to the wayside. I'm sorry that I made you feel like I was too good for you guys, I just didn't agree with what you were doing and didn't want to have any part in it. But I'm not apologizing for that; I'm apologizing for letting you think what you were doing was ok. Maybe not for me but for you. It wasn't ok with what you were doing and what you keep doing today. Now you see all 5 of you are still friends and we never talk but I love you all 5. Even after you guys ditched me. I'm just sorry for not fighting for you guys. Because you're better than that...you're better than this. I know deep down you don't want this but you continue, I wasn't the friend then you guys needed and I'm sorry. I love you. I'm sending this to only one because she's my biggest lost. I miss having you as my best friend. I miss being there for you and I hate that you gave up on me. I want you to know that I'll always be here for you no matter what. I want you to know that. I love you so much.
To my best friend. I'm sorry for putting so much pressure on you. I expected you to fill the void the Fab 5 left. I wanted you to be that person I could care for and could always care for me. Then he came, who I also want to say sorry to, and it messed everything up. We're not as close as we were because I set you on a pedastole and you let me down. It's ok. You're only human. I shouldn't expect you to uphold everything I needed. It was too much for you and we made each other sick. Why did it have to come to that? You know I still need you. I still love you like my David. I still want to be your Jonathan. I just want us to be like we were and I'm sorry that I mess all that up. I love you more than words can express, you'll never know how much you mean to me.
To my angel. I wanted to be that role model for you. The one you could look up to and want to be like. But I know I've already failed you. This world can be so ugly and mean and I wanted to protect you from it. I wanted to be able to prove to you that you didn't have to be like it. But I failed. I'm so sorry. You mean the world to me and I never wanted to let you down. I know in a few years you're going to come to me with a problem that I might not can fix and I hate that but I want you to know that I'm going to work my hardest from here on out being that example for you Baby Girl don't you worry. I love you.
To the 3 friends that I took for granted. My first year in a new city with new people, you guys could have been my best friends but I was selfish and assumed that my problems were bigger than anything else. I let you guys go to the wayside and before I knew it, it was too late. You guys had become to push me away. I don't blame you. I only wish that you guys could open up your heart and give me another chance. I want to be that friend that I should have been a long time ago. I love you so much!
Now to you. The person I owe the biggest apology to. The one I've tried to say before but you never truly heard. I want to say I'm sorry for alot of the obvious reasons. I'm sorry I helped you lose your faith in people. I'm sorry that I helped you have such a negative outlook on life. I'm sorry I took you for granted and I'm sorry I failed you. The callousness of you heart has a big to do to our situation and I'm so incredibly sorry. You never deserved it. I'm sorry I turned your heart against forgiveness and the lose of second chances. But then I also say I'm sorry that my actions have in some way or form changed your sweet spirit. It's so missed. Please bring it back, not for me but for those that haven't got to experience it yet. It is truly something beautiful and something worth experiencing. I'm sorry that you think my change is just for you but if you can see now I have alot of things I need to make up to alot of people. Your situation is just one of them. I'm sorry for not living up to my potential then but I want to still encourage you, even from afar because I should have then. I'm so sorry. I love you.
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